Check this out!

•January 19, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If you haven’t already seen Natalie Tran’s vlogs, check them out here.


What a way to start…

•January 19, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Hey there!

Been such a long time since I picked up the pen (or mouse, keyboard… whatever you nit-picker…) to do a blog.  Yeah, kinda dated, I guess using WordPress and all for a blog when there’s like a ton of more interesting VLogs out there on YouTube.  I’ve nothing against them, really.  Personally, I love ShayCarl and the ShayTards.  Also Natalie Tran and The Community Channel (she’s hot isn’t she?).

“So why the fuck are you doing a written blog?” I hear you say.  Simple, because I don’t pretend I’m as funny in front of the camera like Shay or Nat.  Or that I have awesomely huge tits like Nat.

With all due respect, I hope you do know who the hell Shay and Nat are.  If you don’t, you’re a sad fuck.  No wait, I’m a sad fuck because I don’t do anything productive except watch YouTube videos.  Whatever, buddy…

For all of you who are wondering (like 1 in 1,000,000,000), I’m from Singapore.  Yeah, you know Singapore.  The Fine City.  The Little Red Dot that you sometimes mistake for a booger on your wall map.  Yeah, that little piece of shit drawn on your globe right there.

I am patriotic, you can tell.

Now my goal is really simple:  I intend to be a written version of Nat’s vlog.  (Who the hell is Nat?  Why is he so obsessed with her?)

I do much better writing (or typing… sheesh) out words than saying them on camera.  But I will try it out sometime soon and I hope that I won’t suck that bad.  Please send your bouquets and (plenty more) brickbats about my vlog on YouTube, if I ever get around to doing one.

So hey, how’s life?  I’ve never been consistent with this blogging thing because I’m a guy who has a very short attention span and I don’t do commitments too well.  But I will try, okay?

If you like my blog, then I guess you like really long stories, because I usually write posts this way.  They’re like social commentaries or something.  It’s my style.  It’s also my style to use proper spelling and punctuation.  You went to school, didn’t you?  You were taught English.  You have an education.  USE IT.

I’m stuck at home right now because I have this major case of influenza, and I just about lost my voice.  So out of boredom (and some pipe dream of popularity), I started this blog.  Again.  Another blog.  I will update it, you pricks.  As regularly as I can.

I can even take pictures because I have a digital camera everywhere I go.  What joy!  Digital camera + embarrassing moment + my character = utter humiliation for the person in the photo.  That applies to me as well, most of the time.

I live with my relatives, who are devout Muslims.  No, we do not build bombs in our backyards.  We don’t even have one.

Those of you who know me will say, “Hey, you’re too old for this kind of thing”.  Well, maybe you’re right.  However, I choose my life, baby, the way I want to live it.  So fuck you, asshole, thank you very much.

Others will say, “Blogging is a waste of time, you could spend your time reading something useful”.  Yeah, I know.  I read a lot.  That’s why my English is better than your’s.  Oh, and I have sufficient IT knowledge to use the INTERNET.  Have you ever heard of a house where internet usage is restricted?  I mean, really restricted.  The internet is considered a tool.  Social networking is dangerous and a waste of time.  Good news, people.  I live in that kind of house.  Thank God for mobile broadband.

Speaking of God, its also the Muslim Salem here.  It’s like a preview of Iran without the Ayatollahs.  Freedom of speech?  Nil.  Freedom of self-expression?  Zilch.  Night out at the club?  You’ll be stoned to death.  Something like that.

Which is not to condemn the religion, of course.  The religion is pure and good.  It is God’s Holy Word.  It’s the miserable people who believe that God can only be satisfied if we transform ourselves into staid, boring and dogmatic persons that really kill religion.  “Oh, you must read the Quran after dawn prayers. ”  “You must pray all those supplementary prayers.  Five times is not enough.”  (I believe God said it was enough to be a Muslim in the Five Pillars of Islam)  “You must never go out with a girl, because you will commit adultery.”

I mean, come on.  If I follow the Five Pillars like a Christian follows the Ten Commandments, I should be fine, right?  Oh, adultery isn’t in the list.  Guess He left that one out for a Divine Reason.  (I love you God!)

In case you think that all Muslims are potential suicide bombers, I quote Jeff Durham from Achmed, The Dead Terrorist (it’s a video on YouTube, idiot…):

“We are looking for some idiots with no future.”

And that is what a suicide bomber is.

I am liberal and progressive enough to feel that every human being deserves to live and practise whatever religion he wishes.  I believe I’m on the Right Way, and so do you.  If I am, I’ll laugh my head off when I see you burning in Hell and vice-versa.  So let’s hope we’re right, shall we?

Ok, 895 words and counting.  What else?  Umm… yeah… Unless you know my style of blogging (which I seriously doubt you do), I type continuously without using the Backspace or Delete key unless its to correct a spelling error.  Shut up, bitch, I know there is a Spell Checker.  I just like to be right the first time round, alright?

Oh gosh, I can really start to ramble.  As you can see, I don’t have a topic which I can fiercely argue about right now.  But that’s what makes a great blogger/vlogger.  Having something to write/say when you really have none.  Being creative with nothingness.  Look at Natalie Tran.  She’s brilliant.  I have no idea where she gets those ideas for her vlog from, but they’re hilarious.  I love dead-pan humour.   I guess it takes time to come up with stuff like that so maybe that’s the reason why she updates only every week or so.  I’ll do my best to maintain that kind of regularity too, I promise.

Even if I don’t, what you gonna do about it?  Bite me.

I’ll keep you updated on what happens to my life on this miserable little sunny island.

So this is end.  Please take care of your loved ones, drink lots of water and hey, you know the condom I used to fuck your wife, well dude, it tore… sorry…